


I Wanna Sleep Next To You (You Know I Can't Trust Myself In 3 A.M.'s Shadow)

by FrozenHearts



Series: 300 Tumblr Follower Fic Give-Aways [3]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Late Nights, M/M, Magnus needs a hug, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Staying Up, Tumblr Ask Box Fic, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6690403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrozenHearts/pseuds/FrozenHearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus sometimes likes to sit awake at night and tell a sleeping Alec what's on his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wanna Sleep Next To You (You Know I Can't Trust Myself In 3 A.M.'s Shadow)

**Author's Note:**

> This was a Tumblr prompt along the lines of "I think you're sleeping, so I tell you what's on my mind, even though you sit awake and listen" or something like that.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it!

The quiet at night was too much.

Magnus sat in his bed, looking around at the shapes morphed by the dark, the thin slits of moon that came through his windows. It was nice, comfortable. It was the kind of quiet one would relish in, should they have had a long day, maybe a bad one. Magnus let himself chuckle; it seemed lately all he ever had were bad days. Bad, long days.

Today was one of those days. Magnus had been working at the Institute with Jace and Simon; Clary, Alec and Isabelle had been out on a mission. It was the standard fixing of the wards, nothing big. Nothing strenuous. Of course, it still made Magnus more than miffed, that even after everything with Valentine and the war, Shadowhunters still looked down on him. He knew not all Shadowhunters were like that- the Lightwoods, Jace and Clary were proof of that.

It still hurt, though. When others made comments when they thought he couldn't hear.

Alec stirred, his nose nudging the warlock's thigh. Magnus smiled, watching Alec's shoulders tremble with each breath, the way his skin seemed to glow in the dark. He could feel Alec's soft breaths through the satin pajama pants he wore, giving Magnus goosebumps. Pursing his lips, Magnus allowed himself to tangle his fingers in Alec's hair, curing the ends with his nails.

"I had a bad day today," Magnus sighed heavily. He was greeted with silence, the soft huffs as Alec slept. Magnus shrugged, "It wasn't anything new. Same old comments. Same old bigotry from centuries before."

Nothing he hadn't heard before.

Alec hummed in his sleep, and Magnus too this as incentive to continue, "I know if you were awake you'd tell me not to listen to them."

Magnus could feel Alec smile into his leg, another soft whisper as he slept. The darkness in the room seemed to creep forward, sliding across the floor, over the sheets and under the pillows. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes as he recounted the comments, Jace and Simon trying so hard to reassure him that it didn't matter. He knew it too. Magnus knew that as long as Alec thought he was worth it, whatever anyone else said went in one ear and out the other. He hadn't realized it, but Alec had become his rock, and he Alec's.

Magnus bit his lip, "I just don't understand how someone like you could be here. With me, with-" A small sob broke free and Magnus felt his bones run cold, the word coming out as nothing but a hushed whisper, a bitter taste on the tongue, "- with such a _monster_." Alec didn't answer, still sleeping soundly. It was probably close to three in the morning, judging by the sun that began rising through the windowpane.

"I remember watching Clary showing Jace one of her Mundane fairy tales," Magnus said softly, "and in the stories, the prince always saves the princess. It's always a happy story, Alexander, and I remember your brother being so confused as to how humans could come up with things that were so grotesque and abominable." Magnus paused, allowing Alec to squirm as he rearranged the silk sheets again. For a cold-blooded killer with high reflexes, Alec was a pretty heavy sleeper. His eyelids twitched, long lashes fluttering against pale skin.

Magnus allowed himself to reach out with a nail, trace the Deflection Rune that was dark on Alec's neck, "I would sit in and listen when I was bored with paperwork. And the stories were all the same, but you know what else they had in common?"

Silence.

"The villain, my dear Alexander," Magnus hated how his voice trembled, "the villain was always vanquished in the end. They were always defeated so the prince and the princess could have their happy ending."

A deep rumble came from Alec's throat, and an arm slung itself over Magnus's lap, long fingers clutching Magnus's shirt like it was a lifeline. Like Magnus's bed was an ocean and Alec was going to drown if Magnus wasn't there to keep him afloat. Slowly, Magnus slipped his hand under Alec's entwining their fingers until the two fists rested heavy in his lap. He didn't know how Alec could do this. Be with him like this. But it felt right, with Alec's head resting in the crook of Magnus's lap, their hands entwined, the grip almost bone-crushing. Desperate not to let go.

Magnus's throat suddenly felt dry as he let another soft cry bubble in his throat, "The thing is, my darling Alexander..."

Alec's nose managed to peek through his buttons, poking the area where Magnus's navel would have been had he been born human. Had he not been a monster.

"....what I don't understand, is, if the monster dies at the end of the book...."

Magnus bit his lip. It was three in the morning. He was in bed with the love of his life. He knew Shadowhunters were not as prejudiced as they once were, and Magnus knew if the words came he'd be done, turn into a blubbering mess, but he still asked he question. He still felt the weight of those words push and pull, the quiet in the dark of their room and he couldn't help but feel the dam break once the words left his mouth.

".... _why am I still alive?_ "

The reaction was instantaneous, Magnus turning rigid as he felt Alec's hands tighten, so hard Magnus knew there was going to be a bruise. Alec dug his nails into skin, and Magnus could feel Alec's mouth move against his silk shirt. Tears fell unbidden from Magnus's face as Alec rolled over until he was staring up at the ceiling, at Magnus. His blue eyes were fierce, boiling storms of rage, his soft lips pressed into a firm line.

Looking into Alec's eyes, Magnus thought he would drown. In everything that's been aimed at him. In everything that he and Alec have overcome just to be here, now and in this moment. Magnus thought he'd drown in the fierce love, the unyielding adoration the Shadowhunter held for him, in those pools of blue.

And Magnus thought he would drown with the notion that he didn't deserve this. And he knew Alec was going to say otherwise.

"Alexander-"

"No."

Magnus felt his lower lip tremble. He knew it was useless but she still made an attempt to dissuade him, make this wonderful man realize that he wasn't all fun and glitter and coy gestures. That he wasn't-

"Don't ever say that about yourself, Magnus Bane," Alec's voice was soft, barely a whisper, yet it seemed like a boom, an explosion in the dark of the bedroom.

Alec rolled until he lay with his head in Magnus's lap, strong arms reaching up to wrap around his neck, fingers lightly brushing his cheeks. Magnus leaned down to accomodate the position, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"I'm sorry," Magnus managed.

Alec smiled, a soft beautiful ray of light in the dark room, "It's okay. Everyone's allowed to feel bad sometimes."

"But-"

"No buts," Alec whispered craning his neck to plant the barest of kisses on Magnus's chin, "you are Magnus Bane." He planted another kiss on either of Magnus's cheeks, "You are beautiful." The next kiss went on Magnus's nose, "You are kind, and strong."

Magnus laughed as Alec kissed his forehead. He could feel pins and needles in the crook of his neck, "I could say the same about you, y' know."

Alec nodded, "You always do. Now it's time someone said it to you."

Magnus shook his head. Alec was impossible, but he guessed that came with dating a Shadowhunter. Carefully, Magnus rearranged te sheets so they were both under the covers, and Magnus jumped when Alec wound his arms around Magnus's waist, pulling him close until Magnus had his chin tucked into the crook of Alec's neck.

"I love you, Magnus," Alec whispered into his hair, "and don't ever think like that again. You understand?"

Magnus smiled to himself, feeling the warmth that radiated from Alec's embrace. This was perfect. Alec was perfect and everything up until now was perfect. Sighing, Magnus let himself rest against Alec, eyeing the light coming through the window from the corner of his eye. It was early morning, probably around five or so. Huh.

"I know," Magnus agreed with a soft hum, "I love you too, Alexander."

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I'm not that happy with the ending, but it is what it is for now. I just thought Magnus deserved some cheering up <3


End file.
